I have come to believe we all have the ability to change. This belief was cultivated over time through the realization that new thoughts and feelings bring about new circumstances. When I started my transformational journey I had no idea that my thoughts and feelings could impact how I lived and enjoyed life. I was clueless as to the ways the Universe really worked and I wasn’t really interested. Esoteric questions of “why are we here” and “where do we come from” never registered in my mind. Looking back I now see it was because they were much too overwhelming for me to even consider.
What I did know was that my happy childhood had transformed into a world of responsibilities and demands which surrounded me like a fog. School wise I always felt I was never “good enough” to get the “perfect” grade or write the “perfect” paper. Although I excelled at my entry-level jobs I was often nervous and unsettled. Living in Montreal, whenever I had to converse in French I was anxious ridden despite having completed over 10 years of French classes. At university I was an introvert, unable to articulate what was on my mind in coherent terms and rarely able to connect with others to make new friends. When I think back on that era it was like I was always surrounded by a fog of confusion. The fog was so thick it prevented me from taking action and reacting in what I perceived to be a normal time frame. In other words, from my perception, I felt it took me ten times longer to carry out tasks than others. And my struggle was to keep that hidden from the world, so no one would know I wasn’t what I ought to be.
Why I felt so uneasy in much that I did in those years was my driving factor for spiritual transformation. My discomfort in my own body was so strong that it was hard to “feel” beyond it. My repetitive thoughts were so loud I knew nothing else but their emotionally charged tone. The exhaustion I felt of having to live with this discomfort and noisy thoughts throughout my day lead me to seek solace in sleeping 10 hours a night. Back then I functioned at my best with that amount of rest; anything less and I was a mess.
From my perspective confusion is not a factor of inexperience; it is the process of doubting yourself. Confusion prevents you from being able to move through life fluidly. To unveil the illusion of confusion, we must create insight. When we are unaware of how our our world is structured, we end up being lost in our bodies and minds.
Having never experienced anything other than the discomfort I was feeling I had to deduce by observation, when my mind was clear enough to think, that others in my life were not as confused as I was. In fact, some seemed even happy. I noticed that when I managed to spend time with my family or high-school friends I felt better. I momentarily stopped comparing myself to others and started to wonder why there was a huge discrepancy between my everyday life and the few moments in which I was relaxed?
As a result of a few observations and some questioning I decided to write about my confusing and exhausting experiences. I managed to share four stories with family and friends. Here is one example from university:
At 2:30 PM today I had to meet with my project advisor to discuss soil contaminants. Since I finished at 10:30 AM, I had to wait 4 hours and another 20 minutes because his previous appointment ran late. I told him that another teacher (Dr. P) had offered me some soil contaminate solution, but I didn’t know how to calculate how much I needed because I didn’t understand the units. After half an hour of playing around with the units, we finally came up with an answer (apparently he can’t convert units either); the solution Dr. P was providing was not strong enough. He sent me to see the lab technician to get a catalog, so we could order the right concentration of the chemical. I also went to see Dr. P. It turns out that the concentration he stated in the email was not what he meant! So he handed me the bottle of the solution he had initially intended to share. So I went back to my adviser with the bottle and catalogue. The new solution wasn’t strong enough either and the catalog had nothing. So I went back to talk to the lab technician and Dr. P. They both recommended to use salt mixture instead of solution. My adviser who still happened to be in his office after 5 pm, said he agreed and said to tell the lab technician to order it. In my last trip to the lab technician, she said she could get some off another teacher, so there was no need to order it.
While this experience might seem normal to some, others can see how the sequence of events were full of miscommunication. Looking back on this experience I now understand that my fog of confusion prevented me from asking the right question (i.e. what soil contaminate could I use that was readily available at the appropriate concentration) and finding a timely solution to the problem. In sharing my writing about how confusing my experiences were, the responses from my family and friends helped me to question whether these experiences could have been different.
Another tool that helped me recognize and release the discomfort I felt was yoga. For three semesters my friends and I did hatha yoga classes on Saturday mornings. Paying attention to the movement of my body opened me up to how uncomfortable it was to concentrate on me and at the same time help release the physical tension. At the beginning and end of each yoga session, we would have some breathing exercises and we would say “omh” three times. These few minutes introduced me to meditation and encouraged me to connect within despite the discomfort.
As a result, each week I would take what I called “baby steps”. I would examine my experiences and see which ones I didn’t like. In these unwanted experiences I would find the condition that created it and allow myself to release it. My mantra became “I am now willing to release the need for the pattern that creates this condition.” For example, if I worked up the courage to say something and no one heard it, I would ask what the condition could be that created that experience. The answer, “fear of being heard,” would make its way to the forefront of my racing thoughts and I would grab it by writing it down. I would then state “I am now willing to release the need for the pattern that prevents me from being heard.” Back then I would say my transformational statements both silently in my head and out loud in front of a mirror, three times each.
As I refined my abilities to examine my behaviour, I moved on to listening to the babbling of my mind. When I recognized a thought pattern I didn’t think served me well, I would give myself permission to let it go. My mantra was cut to “I am now willing to release the need for this pattern…” For example, when I found I was being hard on myself or putting myself down, I would cut off the negative thought and replace it with “I am now willing to release the need for being so hard on myself.” As circumstances permitted, I would either say it out loud or in my head three times.
In those early days of transformation, I learned how to see the parts of my behaviour that did not serve me or that created confusion. This was how I managed to disassociate from what I decided I didn’t like and move towards a more positive approach. At that point positive affirmations entered my set of transformational tools (you can read more about that here).
The fog of confusion was broken by the observation that others looked much happier than I felt and that was enough for me to question whether my experiences could be different. In wanting to answer that question I began looking at the way my experiences and my thoughts were factors in how my life played out. In seeing that my thoughts were not creating the experiences I wanted, I was able to let go of my conditions and patterns and lift the fog of confusion. All those “baby steps” would one day accumulate into leaps and bounds at a deeper level.
The fog of confusion returned for less than a day. One afternoon, during my training to become an energy healer, I received a healing session that seemed to make me regress: by the time it was finished I was enrobed in the fog of confusion. With each movement I felt like I was physically moving through water and my mind was racing with distracting thoughts. It wasn’t until the next morning that I recognized what was going on. What I was feeling was an opportunity to permanently release the set of conditionings that damped my ability to understand and embrace my power to create my world. That morning I woke up late, couldn’t get ready in my normal time, didn’t see the lunch I had packed, forgot my workbook, missed my bus, missed my metro stop, and got to class late. At times, when I was able to watch myself, I had to laugh at what I was going through. When I finally arrived for class it was a practice day so I volunteered to give a treatment. Within half-an-hour of being in meditation–the mode in which Love Energetics is carried out–the fog of confusion had lifted. I know it will never return because how I feel is too important to me to ever let myself go back to that level of vibration.